Gender preference is normal. So is gender disappointment. Many parents experience this. Most are able to navigate it as they come to terms with the fact that they love their baby, regardless of gender. But what happens when you lose a baby after gender disappointment? And then your rainbow baby is your preferred gender? Well, that’s complicated…

This will be another year without my son…without Otis. The emotional complexity of celebrating birthdays after a pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or the death of an infant is something that many may not fully grasp unless they’ve lived through it themselves. If this is a new concept for you, I hope you’ll keep reading to understand what this experience can feel like. If you’ve walked this path, you might recognize exactly what I mean, and I hope my words bring some sense of validation and solidarity.

As anyone who menstruates knows, these few days of the month can be physically and emotionally uncomfortable. But the return of menstruation after a miscarriage, stillborn, or newborn death is often especially challenging. For some, their cycles start back quickly. For others, it may take a few months. Regardless of when it comes back, it can be triggering, physically and emotionally exacerbating, a source of resentment, or cause emotional conflict. It can feel like the beginning of a new chapter. And, for better or worse, the end of an old one.

All forms of loss suck. A lot. Like a lot lot. That said, each form of loss brings its own unique challenges. This post explores the challenges that come with the loss of a pregnancy or young infant.

This is not your standard list of “what not to say to a grieving parent.” Lots of those exist already. Instead, this is my therapist exploration of why people might say “the wrong thing” to a grieving parent. And why it is “the wrong thing” to say. I won’t focus so much on the statements themselves, though I will of course give some common examples. My focus will instead be on the intention of what’s said. I’ll explain why people might approach grieving parents with a certain attitude, and why that approach often leads to saying “the wrong thing.”

Following the loss of a pregnancy or infant, emotions are high. Overwhelming. They may feel completely unmitigable. This chaos of emotions can lead to isolation, substance use, relationship issues, work performance issues, self harm, and suicidal thoughts or behaviors. Luckily, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was originally developed to help individuals experiencing emotional overwhelm.