When Your Rainbow Baby is the Gender You “Wanted”
Disclosure: I am using “gender” and “sex” interchangeably in this post due to the colloquial use of “gender” within the context of pregnancy. This post is also gender-normative. This was an intentional choice as discussing normative standards can, and should, be an entire discussion of its own.
Is It Okay to Have a Gender Preference for Your Baby?
“Do you want a boy or a girl?” It’s often thought of as an uncouth question for an expecting parent. But people still ask it on occasion. Most parents respond with diplomatic answers such as “I don’t have a preference” or “I’d be happy either way.” Socially, these answers are quite logical. Your child’s genitalia is not really anyone’s business. And the truth is that everyone knows people don’t possess the ability to select the gender of their child. So it makes sense that people say they don’t have a preference. It won’t be taken into account anyway. It also protects from awkwardness if the baby comes out having “the wrong” set of chromosomes. Can you imagine the signs at THAT baby shower? “SORRY IT’S A BOY!” That’s uncomfortable.
Gender Preference Is Normal
But let’s face it: people have preferences in life. You think someone who has a strong opinion about Coke vs. Pepsi really has no thoughts about the gender of their child?? Really? (And, while we’re on the subject, Coke is obviously the superior of the two. Dr. Pepper clearly sweeps the floor with all other sodas. And, I’m sorry, but Mountain Due is just gross…)
Now, obviously, a baby isn’t the same as a soda. Preferences for soda come from factors like taste, availability, and marketing—things that don’t apply to the gender of a baby. Or do they? Well, maybe not those specific terms. But in reality, there are several reasons why parents might have a preference for one gender over the other, including:
Cultural and Societal Expectations: In many cultures, there is an idealized notion of what a "perfect" family looks like. For example, some families prefer to have a specific gender to balance out their family dynamic (like a boy if they already have daughters). Cultural traditions or familial expectations can play a significant role in this.
Personal Desires and Hopes: Sometimes, parents just have a gut feeling or strong desire for a particular gender. This could be tied to personal fantasies, such as imagining a daughter in a wedding dress or a son playing sports with dad.
Gender Roles: Some parents may subconsciously feel that one gender would be "easier" or more suited to their lifestyle or personality. Gender roles, which are deeply embedded in society, can influence expectations of how a child will behave or what their role will be in the family.
The Parent’s Gender: Some parents might feel more comfortable raising a child of the same gender, thinking they’ll have a better understanding of how to support them, while others might worry about not knowing how to parent a child of the opposite gender.
Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list. The point is, that many factors influence how we perceive our children’s gender. Even if you tell people, “I don’t have a preference,” chances are you’ve thought about it. You may not fully favor one gender over the other, but you likely have some ideas about what raising a boy might be like versus raising a girl. Or maybe you do have a genuinely strong preference for any number of reasons. Either way, it’s normal.
Gender Disappointment Is Normal
So, since gender preference is not only normal, but a little bit expected, it’s natural to conclude that gender disappointment is also common. This happens when a parent has a preference for a gender and then discovers they are having a baby of the opposite gender. Now, the problem is that the word “disappointment” may be a little strong for a lot of people. Disappointment can suggest that this experience is highly negative. And it can be for some, which is totally fine! But for many, it’s more of an “adjustment.” Perhaps there was a preference, or just ideas about one gender over the other. Once the gender is discovered, though, the parents may go through a brief period of adjusting to the news. Whether this experience is significant or mild, it’s just part of the process of having a baby. A baby that will be loved regardless of their gender.
I Wanted Pink Dresses
I know about gender preference and gender disappointment from personal experience. When I was pregnant with Otis, I’ll admit I was hoping for a girl. And my sole reason fell entirely into that “Personal Desires and Hopes” category. I wanted a girl because I had fantasies of dressing her up in pretty pink dresses. I’ve always thought baby girl clothes are so freaking cute and fun! The colors! The bows! The flowers! The frills! I love it all. And I get strange looks when I rock frilly dresses and bows in my hair to the grocery store. (Doesn’t mean I don’t do it…) But baby girls can wear stuff like that every single day, and the world loves it!
Of course, when people asked, I followed social norms and said I didn’t have a preference. But my husband (and mom) knew I secretly hoped for a girl. So when the ultrasound tech confirmed there was a little penis on the screen, I felt that momentary drop in my stomach. I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed. And for a brief second, I felt like a “bad mom.” But then I remember I’m a therapist; a pretty good one if I don’t say so myself! I validated my feelings and normalized my experience. And later that day, I started researching cute boy clothes. It wasn’t that I immediately “got over it.” I still liked the pink dresses. But I knew that two seemingly opposing things could exist simultaneously: I could like pink dresses AND I could love my son.
And Then I Got What I “Wanted”
And I did love him. I still do. But when I lost Otis, and then found out I was pregnant with a girl, things got complicated. Logically, I knew my wish for a girl had nothing to do with his death. But as I’ve discussed in other posts, logic rarely translates to emotions. Even though I knew I loved my son MORE than pink dresses, I couldn’t help but feel like my thoughts had killed him. Was my desire for a girl why I lost him? Did he feel unwanted?
As you can imagine that also made it difficult for me to be excited about having a girl. I was already traumatized over the loss of my child, and terrified about what was going to happen to my next child. So “excitement” was not really the primary emotion of my pregnancy. But when I learned I was having a girl, I did feel myself get slightly excited… And that just made me feel guilty. I couldn’t bring myself to shop for clothes for her, even though I had once dreamed of buying little pink dresses. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, like purchasing those clothes would confirm my worst fear: that I somehow wished this reality into existence.
Conclusion: It’s Complicated
As I approach Otis’s 6th birthday and death day, I have come (mostly) to terms with these thoughts and feelings. I no longer feel like my desire to have a girl killed my son. But I do still have moments of guilt as I find myself glowing while I fix her hair to match her frilly dress of the day. The guilt isn’t about having caused harm to Otis, though. I know he felt loved and very much wanted. But it’s more about the fact that I know my daughter wouldn’t exist had he lived. And let’s save that for another post as it’s a very complicated discussion in which gender only plays a minor role.
And the truth is, pink dresses and baseball gloves only play a small role in the entire reality of parenthood. But it’s ok to have thoughts and feelings about them. And it’s ok to experience disappointment or a period of adjustment if you discover that your baby is not the gender you were hoping for. You’ll love them fiercely regardless of their gender, and that’s what truly counts.
What is NOT ok, though? It’s not ok to blame yourself if you experience a loss after gender disappointment. It wasn’t your fault. Seriously, our thoughts are powerful but not THAT powerful. And if your rainbow baby is the gender you “wanted,” it’s ok to be excited. They deserve to know how much they are loved and wanted, just as much as your angel baby. I know it’s complicated. But just as I said earlier, two seemingly opposing things can exist simultaneously: you can miss one child and be grateful for the other.
